NO more NOs

Getting a NO in life can be a real drag.  But you may not realize how a string of NOs can bring you to a place in your mind where you never intended to wander.  I'll explain. (disclaimer: this is a very ME ME ME post)

It is only through fervent prayer that we are able to receive the NOs of life for what they truly are - acts of love.  I was back in church for the first time in about three weeks, and it was clear throughout all the singing that I had other priorities occupying my attention.  I am truly amazed how I can sing words while thinking about no less than 4 other things.  Sometimes I wonder if I've ever mistakenly sung my thoughts instead of the lyrics.  James Joyce would seem totally sane compared to the mess sitting atop my C1/C2 vertebrae.  Something to the effect of:

Praise the Lord, O, my Soul - Soul food - Man, I'm so hungry - I wonder if anyone is going to grab food after this - I wonder if I should get food after this - Technically, I shouldn't eat a bunch of crap if I haven't run in a few days - Gosh, I miss running - Lord, I run to you to save me - Saving - Savings account - So glad I transferred my money back out of that Money Market.  I can't believe I was making 0.0% interest - Ugh, I have to work tomorrow - Talk about un-interest - In to rest - Yeah, Resting - Rest in You... Lord....

Embarrassed with my 'performance' before the throne of the Almighty, I do the only thing I CAN do.  Own it.  Admit where I am because He knows it anyway.  He's God.  

I have reached the point in my relationship with Christ where I don't try to hide it when I am weary from life's s***storm.  And I am thankful to the people I have met along the way who have answered God's callings to speak truths into my life.  Tonight at church, our pastor encouraged us to take a moment to pray for ourselves.  Pray that God would allow us to know His love in our lives.  So I bow my head, all cute-like..

Friends, that looked a lot different than I was expecting.  Per the pitiful prayer I had just prayed moments earlier (asking God to please meet me in my weak state), He wasted no time showing up at my church in Rosslyn and taking the seat right next to me.  And he gave me more clarity than I have had in weeks.  These next 3 paragraphs summarize.

I decided that I love my church.  I have never felt more warmed and welcomed any other place.  When people see me sitting alone, they're coming up, left and right, to get to know me.  That's an incredible thing to find when you're new in a church.  

But somehow, my joy had been progressively leaving me, and I had not been able to diagnose causes until tonight.  To create a visual, I saw each of my life's priorities before me - the desire to start a family, love of running/health, finding happiness in my career, traveling abroad for medical missions.  And at this time in my life, there is a roadblock on every one of them.  All of them seemed to be subtle NOs.  Over time NOs.  NOs that weren't ever really spoken aloud.  Except hurting my knee about 3 weeks ago.  That one was a pretty obvious NO to running (or even walking up the stairs to my 3rd floor apt).

Knowing that throwing a tantrum in church was not going to move any of these roadblocks, and also knowing that my prayer request that they be removed may be answered with an additional NO, I quieted myself long enough for God to remind me that He's still got this.  He didn't call me to sit in the waiting area of my life forever.  And that instead of reading Us Weekly in my own life's waiting room, maybe I should pick up a copy of Dust Yourself Off and Do Things magazine.  It's a great read.  Highly recommended.

So since no one thing in my life is moving faster than a slow, trickle on a faucet these days, I have begun a list of things I will do to be ready when one of the roadblocks is removed (or kicked over by some punk kid in my metaphor).  Ahem:

1. Get back to reading Scripture daily (really, Kathleen?  You let this one slip?  Honestly)

2. Further my knowledge in alternative medicine for when I can break away from retail and teach people how to live the healthy life, free of [most] meds.

3. Learn to cook better (if my crude humor doesn't scare away decent guys, some of my cooking would)

4. Yoga in the mornings (Om aside, the stretching really does make my legs feel better.  The whole body is not on hiatus because of one muscle group.  No no no. Spritz me lavender spray ALL DAY, girl).

5. Pay off my credit card (you seriously have to know how much energy/worry you waste on debt)

6. Finish knitting scarf from last December (just a side project)

7. Write more (a passion of mine that falls to the way side all too often)

All my love is yours

"I love thee, Lord, but with no love of mine,

For I have none to give;

I love thee, Lord; but all the love is thine,

For by thy love I live.

I am as nothing, and rejoice to be

Emptied, and lost, and swallowed up in thee."

Today's blog is a half thought.  I worried I would forget to share what God had been teaching me if I waited until I had a 'full-circle' message.  Here it is in its brevity.

Lately, I have been searching for inspiration to write, and I will not pretend that it's been an easy expedition.  I challenge anyone to find a passage in the Bible that promises to make you feel good if you obey.  Definitely wasn't written by Paul or Stephen.

Today, I was reading Charles Spurgeon's words, and it served as a great reminder of the origin and sustenance of love.  In the same way I receive the love of Christ, I am not able to return my own love.  Nor am I able to love another with any love that originated in me.  Because I don't have any.  

In high school, in between times I was thinking about what was for lunch or obsessing about some good-looking boy, I managed to learn a little physical science.  We have heat.  The temperature of the air, the sea, or an object is dependent upon the presence of heat.  Nothing on earth can create its own heat.  All heat originates from the sun.  I am warm because I am filled with the sun's heat.  Just the same, the northernmost and southernmost parts of the earth are frozen for their lack of exposure to it.

The amount of love I am able to give is contingent upon the amount I have exposed myself to receive.  I am waiting to come across the verse in the Bible that talks about receiving the attention span of Christ.  Now that...

Dear Restless Heart,

I need comfort tonight.  All day long, I have had my mind clouded by conversations, work duties, and good friends providing encouragement.  But now at 1 o'clock in the morning, I am left to my own devices.  And I am willfully trusting God to come through right now.  The rain on the gutter, which is always a calming sound to hear by my bedroom window, is as though God is at last speaking in a soft voice.  A reminder that He created our world to spin around the sun with the purpose of bringing glory to Himself.  Even still.

I cannot begin to write what my mind is doing right now.  I wish I could stop trying to process all this and just be still.  Be still.  Be quiet.  Be sad.  Mourn.

Whycan'tIwhydidn'thewhatiftherehadbeenwhocouldhaveifonlyIwouldhavetheremusthavebeenawhatdidthe...

It's a heavy weight, and my prayer is that we can let God be God in this.  My hope for all of suicide's victims is that God reaches them in the moments between this life and the next.  He is God.  He can certainly do that because He is outside of time.  When I say to rest in peace, I truly pray all this over Matt's final moments here on this earth.

I can't furnish the words to explain today.  But at the urging of a [great] friend, I am reminded of these writings for those who grieve.  A friend, so tormented by his own daily battle with depression, was committed enough to spreading truth and love, that he put aside his own suffering to reach out to me today.   And for that, I am so very humbled.  Below, I am reposting a poem that helped me heal when I was struggling with my own depression back in 2005.  God hears us.  God seeks us.  God knows our sorrow.

Dear restless heart, be still; don’t fret and worry so;
God has a thousand ways His love and help to show;
Just trust, and trust, and trust, until His will you know.

Dear restless heart, be still, for peace is God’s Own smile,
His love can every wrong and sorrow reconcile;
Just love, and love, and love, and calmly wait awhile.

Dear restless heart, be brave; don’t moan and sorrow so,
He has a meaning kind in chilly winds that blow;
Just hope, and hope, and hope, until you braver grow.

Dear restless heart, recline upon His breast this hour,
His grace is strength and life, His love is bloom and flower;
Just rest, and rest, and rest, within His tender power.

Dear restless heart, be still! Don’t struggle to be free;
God’s life is in your life, from Him you may not flee;
Just pray, and pray, and pray, till you have faith to see.

—Edith Willis Linn, “Streams in the Desert”

Chemistry gone wild!

What a title.  Seriously.  You've never seen the elements like this before.

For some reason, I really liked chemistry in high school.  One of the more concrete sciences, like math.  I don't know when I changed into a balloon (free-flyer) as my friends call me now, but we will just say I was never the one getting in trouble for being out of uniform at school.  Shirt tucked in like a champ.  Add that to my list of reasons why I am still single. 

Those equations that looked something like this: H2CO3 --> H20 + CO2 --> H + HCO3 or whatever.  It's in the past, and I won't act like I can still recite good portions of the periodic table of elements or the Kreb's Cycle (which I can).  But I digress.  This is my spiritual blog. 

3 words have been running through my mind for the last 2 to 3 months.  Intentionality, fear, and worship.  I'll talk about the first two here in this paragraph.  I have met a few people through church and my small group lately that serve as inspiration for being more intentional in my faith.  To rightfully declare my intentions to God in prayer, knowing that He will be the power to complete them.  This new form of purposeful prayer has replaced the fear-driven prayers of Katie-past, where I was afraid to commit to anything in prayer for fear of quitting or failing.  Fear should never drive.  Perfect love drives out fear!

With this new lease on prayer life, I became emboldened about discussing the fearless life.  Knowing what God actually promises, and then freely going to live out in the open fields of grace and adventure.  I have been able to call out fear in friends and help them seek this intentional life as well.  As I prayed for God to allow me to serve Him among my friends, He heard me and answered me with a YES. 

Out of this new understanding of purposeful prayer/intentionality minus the fear that once reigned supreme in my conversations with God, there was a yield of courage that further yielded worship.  So, if this helps:  Intentionality - Fear --> Courage --> Workmanship + Worship

Ephesians 2:10 is a familiar scripture that follows the best description for salvation that I can identify.  If you are only focusing on how to gain eternal life, this verse may be overlooked for what it really is.  It is a very beautiful description of our Creator's intent for His children.  

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

What is workmanship?  That word always sounds like we are God's birdhouse He created in shop class.  Some of translations use words like masterpiece in place of workmanship in this verse.  Another interesting translation of this word is poetry.  When you break down the idea of being a poem, you can see why this has some great applications. 

Poetry is creative.  It has a beginning and an end.  Poems have a common theme with several stanzas of supportive language.  And poetry has rhythm.  Being the stellar dancer and music-lover that I am, I can appreciate that God keeps good tempo.  When we ask God for clarity in our lives, oftentimes, He will enlighten us with by offering all the pieces of the answer in different locations in daily life. 

Every notice common phrases, verses, ideas occurring multiple times in a given week?  You pick up on a message in your time with God.  Then, a friend texts you with a similar piece of encouragement.  A church message runs with it too.  Don't shrug off these commonalities!  God has meaning to the repetition.  Take it for what it is - an incredible lesson in just one stanza of our life song.

I know how to abound!

As vivid an imagination as I like to think I possess, I am unable find the proper words to describe the type of crazy person I may have become this week.  So here are a couple metaphors to assist:

1. If my job security had been a Disney character, it would've been Aladdin's carpet [being pulled out from under me].
2. If the challenge of expediting college transcripts was a UNICEF World Heritage Site, it would be comparable to [running full speed toward] the Great Wall of China.
3. If my financial security was a comic strip, it would've been that scene in Peanuts where Linus is bopping along with his blue blankie, sucking his thumb.  Snoopy snatches the end of the it and starts running around in circles.  Linus is just holding on to blankie for dear life, finding himself airborne at times.

What my former church-ianity self may have prayed, perhaps after having a little hiccup in "The Plan" would've sounded similar to this:

"Dear Jesus (or journal - those words may have been interchangeable back then), Thy will be done here as in heaven.  Zzz.. Lord, I pray that BlahBlah would be used for your purposes.  Help me to be kind as You are kind, Lord.  Zzz.. And please forgive me for Blah, Blah, and Blah.."

I have found myself at a new level of friendship with my Savior in recent years.  Here is the raw, partially edited conversation I have been having with Him as of late:

"God, I'm a crazy person.  That's no secret.  Messes don't come much hotter than this.  I believe you love me, and right now, I'm gonna really need you to remind me how that is enough when I can't seem to get a single win on earth.  I really don't like myself for the way I presently feel about my boss (and whoever that heinous person is in the GWU Registrar's office who is clearly holding my transcripts hostage).  The fact that I haven't found their Achilles heel is bugging the crap out of me.  And now please forgive me for all the vengeful plots I have devised for them both.  And for calling someone heinous.  That was rude, I guess.  Help me to truly love them like you love them, because right now, I think they both deserve a 10 year prison sentence with possible parole only after 6 months in an orange jumpsuit.  I am determined to keep my trust in You because clearly I am not in a place where I can make any sort of good judgment call on my own."

Not gonna lie.  I feel a little uneasy letting people in on my nutjob prayer with God.  I usually ramble a little more in it too, but I spared my audience.  No one was supposed to know any of that!  But I believe that if we as believers are called to be holy, we cannot breeze over the parts of Scripture that talk about confessing our sins one to another.  And I am so thankful for the friends who have been texting me, emailing me, praying for me, reminding me that God is so much bigger than this stupid crap.  Sending me encouraging Scripture.  Reminding me how much more interesting my book of memoirs will be when I am old. 

For them, I write today to encourage those who read this to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading to build up another.  Because in this messy week of uncertainty, God showed me even more truth about His providence.  I mean, yeah, I could've been able to go about business as usual.  Live life on the grid.  But where's the fun in that?  So many people who allowed God to use them for His glory were reaching out to make sure I didn't end up in a straight jacket.  Those are some stellar friends.  I even have some of the layout of a story (short or novel, depending on my attention span) that I want to now write.  Had I been bogged down with all that 'job stuff,' my creative flow would've been utterly stifled ;) 

So as Paul described in his letter to the Philippians, I am learning to THRIVE in the what-on-earth-is-going-on times in life!

Love is Patient

I was sitting in a worship service tonight at American University, and I am so thankful to God for guiding me to this particular event.  I usually work on Tuesdays, and by the time I get home, I am so exhausted that all I want to do is binge fridge-side and then pass out.  Occasionally, I will grab a couple items from the refrigerator and partake over the adjacent counter-space.  But the plate concept is far too much prep-work by the time I get home from a 12-13h shift.  Like a gas tank on E.  But I digress.

So tonight was the study of God's patience.  One of the first passages was found in Luke 22 - tracking with Peter through his enthusiasm as a disciple of Jesus and then finding himself at the point of denying he even knows the guy.  Jesus, all the while, is praying for Simon Peter, patiently smoothing out his sharp edges.

Agape love encompasses patience, and the Holy Spirit guides us through the Word of God that we may know Him.  He delights in us from the beginning, dirty and shameful, and by His patience, He receives the glory as we are transformed to His likeness.

Jesus gave Simon the name Peter (petra) during His ministry time.  Peter probably did not understand all that this name would mean until years after Jesus has ascended to heaven.  Peter, meaning rock, was not just to describe his brawny arms and masculine beard, which I am 99% sure he had.  God knew that even after all the mayhem that Simon Peter caused, he would still be the rock on top of which our church was built.  Through all the trials that Jesus endured for Peter, his patience was rewarded with start of the church, the bride!

Science Without Wonder?

A book was placed in my hand several years back.  I cannot remember where I received it or who gave it to me, and it remained in my possession, even after multiple relocations.  I donate books every time I pack because of their weight.  Yet somehow, this book survived, and I have finally made the conscious decision to read it. 

The book is titled Why I Believe in a Personal God by former Archbishop of Canterbury George Carey.  I do not agree with many of the positions he held as a church leader, but I am so taken by his approach to the discussion of God's existence and to what end He reaches out to us.  May I never again shy away from the hard questions of existence. 

The third chapter plunges into the realities of the universe in which we all live. 
1. What observations may we make?
2. From where did it originate? 
3. If we acknowledge that there is order in the universe, what else may we surmise?
4. And most importantly, why did I NOT pay more attention in high school?  (It talked about the laws of thermodynamics, and I had to wikipedia what they word meant.  And I still don't think I really understand.  Embarrassing)

If Christians ignore any discussion of science and existence, what will we begin to believe about our place in the universe?  Where does the wonder and splendor lay in a reality that happened by chance?  The author here says, "Science without wonder leads to the impoverishment of the human spirit." 

Do God and science align?  Princeton physicist Professor Freeman Dyson states:

"I do feel like an alien in the universe.  The more I study the details of its architecture the more evidence I find that the universe in some sense must have known that we were coming."

 

Making all my intentions known

I have decided to be more INTENTIONAL in 2013.  Just the decision alone is a move in the right direction, and it feels so great to cross something off my to-do list.  Sometimes, I'll even write tasks on my list that I've already done, just so I have something to cross off.  Who's successful in life?  This girl.

But the day-to-day completion of tasks and duties pales in comparison to the acknowledgement of how they bring us to the ends.  My job.  My love life.  My social scene.  Keeping an eternity focus should drive my decisions for daily life.  In grad school research, I learned that this is called my conceptual framework.  Through that framework, the reader sees how and why the author concludes x, y, and z.  For how much school debt I accrued to learn about conceptual frameworks, I INTEND to pedal that term into as many conversations as I can.

How well will I perform my job today?  I can do what is asked of me.  Assess my patients.  Chart on the computer just how normal/abnormal they are.  Give them some pills.  Fluff their pillow.  It's not against any law.  I won't get in trouble.  I won't lose my job.  My patients [probably] won't die.  (That last statement is affirming that I understand my limitations in providing care and cannot pretend to be God).  Common denominator being all the negatives in this conceptual framework.  Who actually wants to live by the principle of avoidance?  If we are to name this demon in our lives, we might call it fear.  I refuse to see my daily life through lenses of fear.  And more often than not, this comes about when we fail to be intentional.  Don't fail any longer.

If God is putting one of His children into my care, I want to discern that this bestowal is from God and move in a way pleasing to Him.  In the same way, I want to find myself honoring Him in all areas of my life through intentionality.  I INTEND to build strong friendships with other believers and also meet a godly man to serve alongside, if God wills it.  By glorifying God through fellowship in the body, these ends may be accomplished.

Very few characters in the Bible use vague language about what they hope maybe they can do for God.  Most often, you will see men and women of God proclaiming what they are already doing or will do.  The Holy Spirit teaches us what to say.  Saying it to God helps us seal it in our own minds.  CS Lewis said, "I don't pray to change God.  I pray to God because it changes me."  Because of what Christ did on the cross, we are called to pray with certainty that what the Spirit leads us to say, God will bring about.  The words of our Spirit-led prayers transform US.  The authors write with assurance that God is the Finisher of our faith. 

Look at King David.  "Bless the Lord, O my soul."  If you like grammar as much as I do, you will note that David is using a direct address.  If you don't like grammar, here's what that means (but really, how do people not like grammar): 

He is INTENTIONALLY telling his own soul to bless the Lord! 

That fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139) body and soul is commanded by David to bless God.  Make my prayer to be no different than David's.

Wear this, not that

I am so grateful that God sends His Spirit to enlighten His people, time and again.  In those times where God does not feel present, pray pray pray that you will know His presence!  That we may move from the expectations to FEEL toward the joy of KNOWING is one of the greatest triumphs we might experience here on this earth. Paul compared everything in his life to the joy of KNOWING God (Phil 3:8) - and he called it all horse s*** (or some other similarly crass term).  King James blushed and just called it rubbish, but we all know Paul was not a shy author.

We will not always feel His presence, but we know He promises that He will never forsake us (Heb 13:5)
We will not always feel like attending a church service, but we know He deserves praise, and praise is commonly found in corporate worship (practically... all of the Psalms)
We will not always feel that God is fairly treating the poor, but we know that a sparrow does not escape the concern of God (Matt 10:29)
We sometimes may feel that we are strong and independent, denying our need for a Savior.  But we had better know that this feeling is fleeting - to realize that He is life.  He is our oxygen.  He is the abundant life!

That people may not see the need of a Savior is an honest reality in our modern world, and as Christians, we had better know a response to this very important question of need.  It is not difficult to know the cause of war when the enemy presents itself clearly, and I may not feel that indifference is a threat to the Truth.  When my enemy looks to be a peaceful human being not looking to duel, I am going to look like a real punk if I begin sparring with him - using my Sword of the Spirit.  You say, 'En garde,' and he makes no attempt to draw any recognizable weapon.  If we examine this situation, might we conclude that his shield and his demeanor are now to be his weapon of choice?  Or the onlooker who perceives an attack on a defenseless individual.  Does he use this as a weapon?  Or my fear of being shamed.  He can use ME as a weapon against ME.  Like swinging them around by their own ponytail!

I cannot express in words how difficult our calling to fight for Truth in the event of indifference.  In our post-modern society, our enemy has changed His tactics.  Why are we still wearing red coats, like a bunch of targets?  Was that EVER the attire God told us to wear?  Our real battle gear is described fully in Paul's letters to the Ephesians in chapter 6.  I mean, look at this uniform.  It's genius.

1. You've got a Belt of Truth - going to battle with the correct information, motive, and against the true enemy
2. Breastplate of Righteousness - onlookers may see your preceding and current good works and glorify God (Mt 5:16)
3. Shoes fitted by the readiness that comes from the Gospel of Peace - because no crosstrainer shoe can compete with their agility. 
4. Shield of Faith - a firm belief that God will do what He promises, blocking attacks against you from all angles.  Sidenote: if I am in fellowship with other believers, our shields can now join to provide even more coverage
5. Helmet of Salvation - covering your head, because clearly you need one to sustain life
6. Sword of the Spirit (which is the Word of God) - know God's Word by reading your Bible and listening to the Holy Spirit.  Satan knows the Word too.  So know it well enough to determine when he has manipulated what it really says.  
7. And constant prayer!

We, as Believers, must now examine the new rules of engagement to know how to strike - remembering that we are still battling against the same enemy (Satan) and not the human being in need of God's love (Ephesians 6:12).

Juliet's question revisited

Tonight's church service has my brain in a bit of a frenzy.  This post may contain more questions than statements.  I'm not ok with that, but I believe it's where I will have to start to eventually answer the questions.

Our campus pastor was speaking about the magnificence of God.  He used the vast nature of the universe to contrast the finite nature of man.  Ultimately, it was to highlight just how we should humbly accept our connection to God.  It's really a wonder He invests in humans.  We're small.. We die..We really are pretty insignificant insofar as size and longevity are concerned.

Stars on the other hand.  Stars.  Wow.  Apparently, the latest science believes there to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 sextillion stars in the known universe.  That's 1 seven and 22 zeros.  And stars are not small creations.  I mean, really.  The sun - star.  If I was a Hollywood celebrity, I would feel a little ridiculous, parading around, being called a star.  My record goes platinum.  Wonderful.  The sun can burn at my retinas from 93 million miles away.  Don't bother googling that distance.  I got this.

Now here is where my ADD took me on a ma...gical journey in my seat.  Those 70,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars all have names.  Isaiah 40:26 tells us that God brings them out one at a time and calls them each by name.  And verse 12 tells us that all those named stars fit within the span of His hand.  My mind was blown just now.  But now, this question remains.  Why is it even necessary to name them?  To name anything?

So, my search begins.  But this one thing I know: Capulets, Montagues, Renshaws - He know our names as well. 

Prayer Anew

I just got home from Singapore on Saturday night.  My body still hates me for the torment of 11 time zones.  But... being up at 4:40 this morning, the only other soul awake at this hour is God.

O satisfy us in the morning with Your loving kindness,

that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14)

In some form or another, I try to pray the Lord's Prayer every morning.  I modernize the language a little and speak slowly - to make sure I pay attention to what I am saying.  In no way do I ever want my prayers to be mindless droning before the Creator of the Universe.  (distant second is when I pledge allegiance to the US flag and my mind is wandering toward lunch - awkward).

The parts in the prayer about "Thy will be done" are pretty easy to say with emphasis.  I mean, yeah, of course that's the goal.  I realize that turning over my s***storm of a life to an omniscient God is a pretty good idea.  And also the part about "daily bread" - uh huh uh huh, I want that too.  "Lead me not into temptation" - please.  I don't need any more of that.

The part that has been made new to me as of late is the closing statement.  I have always treated it as I do the closing remarks of a letter.  Sincerely.  Yours Truly.  Affectionately Yours.  KIT.  xoxo.  Meaning that I ignored it.  But wow, if I pray those last 3 descriptive nouns with a higher level of intentionality, my mind is blown.  CS Lewis said it pretty well:

"I don't pray to change God.  I pray to God because it changes me."

Yours is the Kingdom - meaning that it was God who established reign before the prince of darkness, and He will reign supreme through eternity

Yours is the Power - anything that God calls me to accomplish must be done by His strength

Yours is the Glory - because ultimately, in living in His Kingdom and acting by His Power are for His directives to be proclaimed.  His Word.  His Name. His Will.