Getting a NO in life can be a real drag. But you may not realize how a string of NOs can bring you to a place in your mind where you never intended to wander. I'll explain. (disclaimer: this is a very ME ME ME post)
It is only through fervent prayer that we are able to receive the NOs of life for what they truly are - acts of love. I was back in church for the first time in about three weeks, and it was clear throughout all the singing that I had other priorities occupying my attention. I am truly amazed how I can sing words while thinking about no less than 4 other things. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever mistakenly sung my thoughts instead of the lyrics. James Joyce would seem totally sane compared to the mess sitting atop my C1/C2 vertebrae. Something to the effect of:
Praise the Lord, O, my Soul - Soul food - Man, I'm so hungry - I wonder if anyone is going to grab food after this - I wonder if I should get food after this - Technically, I shouldn't eat a bunch of crap if I haven't run in a few days - Gosh, I miss running - Lord, I run to you to save me - Saving - Savings account - So glad I transferred my money back out of that Money Market. I can't believe I was making 0.0% interest - Ugh, I have to work tomorrow - Talk about un-interest - In to rest - Yeah, Resting - Rest in You... Lord....
Embarrassed with my 'performance' before the throne of the Almighty, I do the only thing I CAN do. Own it. Admit where I am because He knows it anyway. He's God.
I have reached the point in my relationship with Christ where I don't try to hide it when I am weary from life's s***storm. And I am thankful to the people I have met along the way who have answered God's callings to speak truths into my life. Tonight at church, our pastor encouraged us to take a moment to pray for ourselves. Pray that God would allow us to know His love in our lives. So I bow my head, all cute-like..
Friends, that looked a lot different than I was expecting. Per the pitiful prayer I had just prayed moments earlier (asking God to please meet me in my weak state), He wasted no time showing up at my church in Rosslyn and taking the seat right next to me. And he gave me more clarity than I have had in weeks. These next 3 paragraphs summarize.
I decided that I love my church. I have never felt more warmed and welcomed any other place. When people see me sitting alone, they're coming up, left and right, to get to know me. That's an incredible thing to find when you're new in a church.
But somehow, my joy had been progressively leaving me, and I had not been able to diagnose causes until tonight. To create a visual, I saw each of my life's priorities before me - the desire to start a family, love of running/health, finding happiness in my career, traveling abroad for medical missions. And at this time in my life, there is a roadblock on every one of them. All of them seemed to be subtle NOs. Over time NOs. NOs that weren't ever really spoken aloud. Except hurting my knee about 3 weeks ago. That one was a pretty obvious NO to running (or even walking up the stairs to my 3rd floor apt).
Knowing that throwing a tantrum in church was not going to move any of these roadblocks, and also knowing that my prayer request that they be removed may be answered with an additional NO, I quieted myself long enough for God to remind me that He's still got this. He didn't call me to sit in the waiting area of my life forever. And that instead of reading Us Weekly in my own life's waiting room, maybe I should pick up a copy of Dust Yourself Off and Do Things magazine. It's a great read. Highly recommended.
So since no one thing in my life is moving faster than a slow, trickle on a faucet these days, I have begun a list of things I will do to be ready when one of the roadblocks is removed (or kicked over by some punk kid in my metaphor). Ahem:
1. Get back to reading Scripture daily (really, Kathleen? You let this one slip? Honestly)
2. Further my knowledge in alternative medicine for when I can break away from retail and teach people how to live the healthy life, free of [most] meds.
3. Learn to cook better (if my crude humor doesn't scare away decent guys, some of my cooking would)
4. Yoga in the mornings (Om aside, the stretching really does make my legs feel better. The whole body is not on hiatus because of one muscle group. No no no. Spritz me lavender spray ALL DAY, girl).
5. Pay off my credit card (you seriously have to know how much energy/worry you waste on debt)
6. Finish knitting scarf from last December (just a side project)
7. Write more (a passion of mine that falls to the way side all too often)
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